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Protected: I’m not paralyzed but I seem to be struck by you

December 7, 2007 @ 9:52 am & Enter your password to view comments

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Stop, stare, and watch me burn

October 21, 2007 @ 1:52 am & 2

I seem to get emo at nighttime. It’s inexplicable - like the happy part of me decides to sleep and my grouchy, don’t-touch-me, the-world-sucks persona takes over. I even get more stubborn (which many believe to be impossible) -_-

Maybe it’s because I tend to review my day during the night, and my mind focuses on all the bad stuff. Like the fact that I think my friend’s girlfriend strongly dislikes me, and influences him to not talk to me? (Not to mention that I don’t like her either, but that doesn’t matter, because it’s not like I talk to her anyway.) Or that there’s no edible food in my fridge, which means when the late-night munchies set in, there’s nothing to eat. Or that my grades are falling and I don’t want to disappoint my parents, but they don’t seem to grasp the fact that I don’t like school.

Sigh.

I’m totally craving some wonton soup right now.. randomest craving ever, maybe? Or some of those Toll House brownie cookie thingies.. those are good.. I guess I just want something different to munch on. Getting tired of the same old stuff -_- Maybe I’ll bake a cake tomorrow.. after I finish all of my college apps..

Which reminds me. I still have two (and maybe two more) to go. Two more schools that I’m definitely applying to, and then maybe a safety and a reach. My reach is going to be Duke.. if I apply. If I do, I’m not going to tell my parents about it - I’ll just pay the app fee and score sending myself, and if I get in, then I’ll tell them. XD I don’t think I will, but you never know.

I think I’m going to go hunt up some food, before I waste away : P

Default, Random, School

Right now I feel invisible to you, like I’m not real

October 14, 2007 @ 5:34 pm & 1

I officially dub this weekend The Weekend From Hell.

(Before I continue, I would like to apologize for my absence-ness. College apps and school and all -_- )

So anyhow. My parents have been on my case about -guess- school[work]. And we’ve been having Big Talks about it. AKA.. they talk blather on about the merits and glory of school and how I’m better than how I’m doing, how I’m fucking up my future, how I shouldn’t hang out with my boyfriend so much, why I should care, how I need to break the bad habit of not doing my [pointless] homework, etc. etc. And okay, I admit: they’re right.

But it really doesn’t feel like they’re so right when I’ve been walking away from these Talks feeling like I want to die. Which, so you know, has been happening pretty often for - what? The past year or so?

I really don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but it’s true. They emphasize school so much - is that really all I’m good for? When they talk about me to other people, only my scholastic prowess is mentioned. Like they’re all trying to one-up each other on how amazing their parenting skills are by how well their kids are doing in school. So I don’t want to do anything school-related, maybe to get attention, maybe because I’m bored, I don’t know.

KH and I have also been at odds lately.. for a while now, about little things. I don’t know. Maybe we don’t know each other as well as we thought we did. Maybe we’re being childish. Maybe we’re just being difficult. I don’t know. I called him today, said I was sorry, got brushed off. I really needed someone right then, and he let me down; I don’t know where to go, I don’t know who to talk to, he was my only hope and then I just got the cold shoulder.

I don’t know what to do or think anymore.

Default, Life, Love, School